I'm going to explode...

Where do I begin? I have so many things on my mind, if I don;t get it out one way or another...I'm going to explode. I spent an hour and half crying my eyeballs out tonight. I am not sure if my emotions got the best of me, if it was a song or if I just had enough and that was my only way to release some steam. I know they tell you at the beginning of the pregnancy that you will have a lot of mood swings, but a lot is not the word for it. Sometimes I don't know whether to run away, cry or hit something. Here are the things that bother me the most: not having a house, my dogs, this emotional train, the baby "excitement" or should I say "lack of excitement."

It is safe to say that I have made it through the first year of my teaching career. I thought I would never make it.I only have 33 more days until summer, 24 more days of school, and 15 more days of school with my students. I am so proud of myself for sticking it out through the year.  I only broke down once throughout the whole year.

I am so worried that we will not have a house to live in (besides our parents) when this baby is born. Of course my husband says not to worry about it. How in the world are you suppose to raise a newborn baby and take care of two dogs in an apartment? I cannot walk the dogs and hold the baby at the same time nor am I leaving the baby alone to walk the dogs. Apparently we can't afford to buy a house, so now I am looking for a house for rent-to-own in a good neighborhood. All I can do it look and look. I only have two and a half months before this baby comes and it is not enough time.

I did not realize that when you became pregnant, that meant your emotions would go completely out of whack. Any little or big thing will set my emotions on. Apparently I bought a ticket for the emotional wreck train when I became pregnant. Not only do I worry about everything under the sun, but I cry over most of it. This emotional train I boarded seems like it is getting worse everyday.

Lack of excitement.... Humm, where do I begin. At first I was not that excited because you could feel or see the baby. Now the baby is active and kicking like crazy these days. I am so excited and ready to have my little one HOWEVER, I am not sure if my husband feels the same way. I feel like he isn't excited. I think he is more excited about everyone else baby except our. I know this is probably not true, but I sure do feel this way. It almost seems like having a baby is not that big of a deal. I thought that if he heard the heartbeat, got to feel it kick and saw it on the ultrasound it would make him more excited but it didn't. Maybe this is a male thing, I don't know. I just would like to see some excitement from him. I think this part bothers me the most. I am just tearing up thinking about it. I don't know how to get him more excited or at least tell me so that it is believable. Any ideas??

I just don't know what to do these days. The person I went to with these problems has walked out of my life and it sucks. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone that can relate to it. I have my family, but sometimes I don't want them to know everything that is going on. I am just burnt out, want a house to live in (NOT our parents house, I love them but I need my space) and want to get rid of this emotional train I am on. I feel like it is going to wreck soon and it is going to be one big mess.

Pregnancy

Wow, I did not realize how many ups and downs you go through when you are pregnant. I am 20 weeks 1 day. On Monday I went for my second ultra sound. We were suppose to find out the sex of the baby but instead we found something else out.

We waited in the waiting room for 45 minutes which probably had my blood pressure up. Once we got back there the ultrasound seemed to go on forever. Our wonderful little baby decided he/she was going to be stubborn and not uncross his/her legs for the ENTIRE hour. With that said, we did not get to find out the sex. The doctor then proceeded to tell me that I have a 2 vessel umbilical cord (1 vein, 1 artery) instead of a 3 vessel umbilical cord (1 vein, 2 artery). This could possibly affect the baby's growth as well as his/her kidneys. The ob-gyn said that they would have to keep a close eye on our baby's kidneys. As the days go by, I can only wonder how a 2 vessel umbilical cord develops, if my baby will have any kidney problems, what I can do to help, etc... I have my next ultra sound in 8 weeks ( May 31st), so hopefully they will be able to tell me more information about what is going on in there. Hopefully this baby of mine will decide to cooperate with us and let us know what gender he/she is.

Lately....

Lately I have been in some awful moods. When I come home from work I have bad headaches and am in a bad mood. I feel sorry for my dogs. When I am not peeing then I am eating. It has been a rough couple of weeks since the last time I posted anything.

I went shopping for the baby last Saturday. It was fun. My mom bought the baby at least 10 outfits for under $9.00. On Tuesday I had another OB-GYN appointment. I found out my blood type, all my lab work came back good and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. The baby seems to be healthy :).

I go back to the doctor on April 4, 2011 to find out if we are having a girl or a boy. I cannot wait...

Expressing my emotions.

I needed to start this blog because I feel like it may help my emotions and hormones if I can have somewhere to release them. I would write in a journal but I feel like I would write the same page over and over until I felt like my handwriting was what I wanted it to look like. So, that leaves me with a blog.

Lately I have had some much going on. It started out in December when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had so many emotions running through my body it wasn't funny. It was like every time I told someone I was pregnant, I started crying. Now I don't know if this was because I thought I was letting them down by not waiting longer or if it was because I was so excited and happy. Once I got past that phase, I moved into an informative state of mind. I searched for days what I could and could not do when I am pregnant. Needless to say, I stopped worrying so much when I went to the doctor in January and she told me the stuff I could and could not do or eat. What a relief. I love eating so when I found out I was pregnant, I was excited because I could eat whatever I wanted and there was no one that would judge me. All I have to say is: I AM PREGNANT. Isn't that wonderful? 

  

Yesterday was like any other Friday at work, but when I got home I just lost it. Let me just say we have two dogs, one (Boy - the black and white dog) is house trained and very good and the other one (Lola - the reverse brindle dog) is about three months old, gets into EVERYTHING and is not house trained. 

  Back to Friday. I came home and was welcomed by stepping in pee and poop on the living room floor. I cleaned it up, and sat down to open the mail. I started tallying the bills for the month of February, and that was depressing. Then I looked over and saw that now only did the puppy, Lola, chew up my only pair of black work shoes, she also chewed up a section of the mini blinds in the living room. That is when I lost it. I started to cry and cry and cry some more. I still don't know if it was the bills, Lola or the hormones that made me cry. Every time someone called me (my mom, dad and brother) I started crying again and I could not stop or help it. Later that night, I cooked dinner for my husband and watched television. My husband took a shower around 10:30, so I laid my head down on the chair. Next thing I know is that it is 4:30 in the morning, I am in bed with my dry sheets and blanket holding my phone and charger. I still have no idea how the sheets or my blanket got dried and put on the bed, how I ended up in the bedroom or how I had the most amazing sleep I’ve had in months. I swear that I had the same dream that lasted the entire time I was sleeping. What a day.

Today, I felt lazy and restless. I watched movies almost all day. I wasn’t as productive as I should have been but it is ok. People always ask me how I feel or if I have any cravings. To be honest, I feel fat, out of breath, and exhausted. I have had a few cravings but nothing out of the ordinary. For the past week I have been craving a Burger King Whopper and I finally stopped today and got one. It was so delicious. I have also been craving salads and vanilla ice cream with orange juice.

That is all I have to rant and rave about. I am sure I will be back very soon to rant and rave again.